In other news, I'm sitting here on the couch/chair in the den of my soon-to-be old house. I'm moving into my own apartment next Friday and I couldn't be happier! I'm excited as eff!!
Geez, a lot has happened since I last blogged. I need to blog more often.
So, anyway, back to what I was saying... I'm moving into my own GHETTOOOO apartment next Friday and I'm so happy!!! I need to be living on my own.
A lot has been going on in my head about it too. A lot of people don't seem to get why I'm so overwhelmed by it and are just like, "well, that's life. Nothing ever stays the same." And trust me. No one on this planet knows that better than I but when you're faced with the reality that is your life and it is completely out-of-your-mind different than you could ever have dreamt, it can take something to get used to. And it's not the "what" that is happening really, it's the "how fucking different" it is from what my life was just 4 months prior.
And really, the fact that I left a shitty situation (bully brother) living with my mom. Living with her really isn't so bad. She's not like regular moms. Living with her wasn't like what my friends always say about living with their parents. She was like a roommate, only I didn't pay rent and she cooked every day. She did took advantage of the fact that her adult daughter was living at home, and why wouldn't she?
At the time, it pissed me off. I was always pseudo-enraged when she would pawn off my little brother on me to watch while she went out and did whatever she needed to do (usually work related), and honestly hardly ever came home whenever she said she would (annoying!), but I had it made.
And now, here I am, almost 30 and experiencing what it's like to leave home... again.
It's surreal. I never thought I would be here again. There are times where I want to kick myself in the ass for taking so long to get my shit together, and, quite honestly, part of me feels like I shouldn't be doing it this way. That at this point in my life, I should be looking at buying a home and only further establishing myself, but I'm not there yet. And it's ok.
What is the real blessing is that I'm learning to stand on my own again. Living with my mom reminding me of some things, mostly of how I want to live my life. The way my mom lives, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I just don't want to live like that. I see myself living in luxury of sorts. I want a nice house. I want nice things. I want to shop all the time.
And I'm taking that direction.
And here's another thing... I'm slightly struggling with the idea of taking on this Camgirl game to the next level, and seeing where it takes me. I don't know why I find it such a struggle to just go with it, but because of the nature of the business and the direction I can see myself taking (possibly full-on pornographic), I feel the need to hesitate.
I'm a Christian, and although porn to me is a natural thing, I'm not sure how the choices I make now are going to affect my future.
And, in the other hand, then there's the Landmark Graduate in me that says that my past has no bearing on my present and future self, but the reality of the situation is that it might. I don't know how long I'll be in this game. I don't know how long I'll be interested. I don't know how far it's going to go. And at the end of it all, what do I want to do with my life?
I can see myself living a vanilla life and being rather successful but there's something about the fame/recognition and the possible loads of money I could make that draws me to it. I have a voice. I have an opinion. I want to be recognized. And even if it's originally from a sexual perspective, what I'm finding out is that's not what keeps the attention.
From my short time on MFC and the other places where I get attention, what keeps peoples' interest in me is my perspective and attitude. And that's what I ultimately want. All I ever want is to be able to contribute in some positive aspect to anyone, really. I've been known to say or think things that make others think about things, and isn't that what life is all about? To positively influence others to think for themselves? At least that's what it's all about for me.
So I'm on the brink of saying "fuck it" and throw caution to the wind. I'm on the brink because there's a huge part of me that's saying "stay in control" and once I let go and just go with the flow of it all, I won't have a say in what others think of me.
Not like I ever did before, but because of such a small audience I do have (and it's a freaking awesome audience, mind you. I love each and every one of you who stay interested in the goings-on of me and continue to encourage me), I do have some control.
I guess all I can ever really do anyway is just do me and not worry about what happens.
I don't know. Maybe I'm too much of a thinker.
P.S. I love my body, and the more into nudity I get, the more I love it. Wanna see my boobs? Come find me on MFC.