I wanted to share this somewhere without making a deal out of it... But I've been in talks with the local Navy recruiters here in town. I'm known in the office as "the girl with the Harry Potter sleeve." It amuses me to no end!! Everywhere I go, that's how I'm known. Whenever anyone can't remember my name, just think "Harry potter sleeve."

It's more of a real life thing tho. I wonder what sort of reputation I have around here or just online in general. I mean, I get around. I have to have some sort of reputation.

Wow, I just made myself sound like a sluuuuut! Ahahahahahaha!!!

'Nother backstory!

When I was a teenager and up until I was 25 or so, I was a slut. I stopped keeping count at, 42, or maybe 36? I don't remember. I stopped keeping count a long time ago. But in the past year? 2. The tendency is still there but I've been known to go 1 to 2 years, celibate. I need to do that again. I look back and see the reasons I got around. Mostly because I love sex and I didn't really care who it was with as long as we were feeling each other. And I love feeling wanted. Ugh! No better feeling than being seduced! And I have impeccable taste!! I have very fond memories of my sex life. Now? I think I need to focus on self. Being intimate with another while so fragile? I've been deeply wounded, to a certain extent, in many ways. My life has changed drastically over the past couple years. Going from one way of life in Colorado without any real clear vision of the future, to here in Florida with a very clear and distinct picture I want for my life. I really, very much need to figure out how to make this happen without any distractions. I don't necessarily have the future all figured out, but I've decided I know how I want it to look right now and what I see in reality does not match up to the standards I have in my head.

Anyway. I'm blazed and focused. I'm back on my medication after time off and feeling focused like I haven't been in months. After time to let myself get a little head-crazy to let myself get over the heartbreak of thwarted and unfulfilled expectations, I feel like I can finally focus on something outside of emotional issues. More like focus on the eye of the storm... Me. I got a little lost in the chaos. It's time to bring it back in for the real thing.

I'm high af. ^_^!

Vow to Commit

I wish I had Internet so I could blog from my computer, but to do that would require me to leave home and I just want to be lazy by myself.

I'm in a good place. It's been a week since the relationship I had hoped would never end ended. Well, that version of the relationship is over. Who knows what will happen from here. I feel in my heart that he'll always be in my life in some way. We'll always have history and it was largely good. Whatever "bad" we experienced, I think, was ultimately good because we learned something new.

From here on out, I'm back to being single but that doesn't allude to anything other than I'm committed to no one other than myself.

It's funny, I come to this conclusion on my own over the course of my life (really) and my first day back at church was about committing your heart to God first. I'm vowing a solid year of practices celibacy to allow my heart time to heal and return back to where it belongs.

I'll always love him. In fact, I really hope we do end up spending our lives together like we had both dared to think about with each other once. He is an amazing man that I want in my life. He makes me want to be better. Maybe the problem is I'm not what he needs right now. I would love to be someone he needs later. Until then, I am the someone I need now.


South Carolina

I haven't been blogging lately but I've obviously been around the internet.

My boyfriend I are still together and going strong. The time between my last post and this last weekend was hard as fuck but we managed to get through it. The hardest part was the lack of consistent communication between us. Luckily, I had not only my own friends and family but my boyfriend's mom to talk to. She helped me the most because she gave me so many insights into her son that I don't know yet.

This weekend was awesome tho. Shortly after my last blog post, my boyfriend and I finally talked and squashed the fight we got in (started over a FB post about sagging pants and I escalated it by over-thinking and needlessly worrying and then trying to voice my concerns via text and blew up from there), he invited me to South Carolina to visit his family for a huge family/friend get-together/reunion thing. It was much like my mom's best friend's family reunions we call Mahamilanas.

Anyway, leading up to the weekend was hard. Financially, I wasn't sure I was going to make it, but with the help of friends and family, I got my butt up to South Carolina to see him. I was a bit worried but more excited and as soon as I saw him, the previous 3 or so weeks were completely forgotten. And now I'm back at my apartment and have been for a few days now. We are planning my move up to where he is in Tennessee for the weekend of Thanksgiving until he deploys in April. It's going to be a short time up there but I want to know what it is we're going to be missing while he's gone. Then, 9 months or so after, I'll move back in with him. He's mentioned a few times that we'll be getting married some time after he gets back from deployment, but I'm not planning anything until we're, for sure, engaged. And when that happens, I already have a date in mind.

Anyway, so that's all for now, really. I'll be blogging more in the future. I have plans for expanding my online presence and further building my "brand." A lot of these ideas came up during my friend Kristel's visit in September, with YouTube, this blog, and the whole camming/adult entertainment side. I want to do maybe some sort of video introduction to me and whatnot. We'll see how it all goes.

Anyway, hope all is well with whoever is reading this! Hope your day and life is awesome!




I don't know how else to describe this current state I'm in. I'm in love with someone who is far away from me and we got into a fight over a FB post a few days ago. This is agony. Torture. I want desperately to drive over and just fix this problem once and for all. Talk it out. But I have to keep my distance. I'm still getting to know my boyfriend and how he works, how he handles things. I keep pushing. My insecurities are showing.

I'm out of control and I don't like it. I feel like I NEED to do something to fix this right now. All there is is now. And I feel like everything can be solved in communication. So does he. So why aren't we communicating?

Relationships are difficult. I'm just now grasping that. I'm coming to grips with the fact that no matter who I'm with, relationships are hard. And I'd rather work it out with him than move on, but if I have to move on, I will. It breaks my heart to think about it but I'll do it. I've moved on from being comfortable before. It sucked but I managed.

My best friend came to visit me this weekend over a failed attempt at trying to visit an old flame. I'm glad she came. We rebonded over our love for each other, ourselves, and Harry Potter. Deep conversations about what it means to be human and a woman. About who we are for ourselves and the ones we love. I'm going to miss her when I take her to the airport tomorrow.

She's in the kitchen making dinner now. She cleaned, organized, and finally unpacked my kitchen. She's helping me get myself where I want to be in life: ready to be the kind of wife and mother I want to be someday. I have no real example to pull from. Just my peers who are self-taught, it seems, and are thriving.

I'm grateful for my relationships, past, present, current. I hope my relationship stays intact but with it being so short-lived, I'm preparing myself for the worst. I hate that I do that, but it's the way I cope. I probably self-sabotage by thinking this way but it's like my brain is wired to do it. I'm hoping I'll get the chance to make different choices when fights happen. I know they'll happen again, but I hope we're a strong enough couple to be able to overcome obstacles.

I'm all outta weed...

My stoner-ass is back on adderall. A full week, plus a day or two, I think. Somewhere around there.

I've been a jumble of all sorts of thoughts and feelings lately. I'm still coming to terms with my life, where's it's gone, where it's taking me, where I am. I'm dealing with it the best way I know how, so I'm adding blogging to the mix. I don't know why blogging. I don't know why I don't just journal it for my own personal use, but I believe there's something in the process of healing that sharing your story with others provides, if that makes any sort of sense.

I'm stoned. If you know me at all from social media, you might know me for that. I'm wordy. I like to talk. I think that's where publishing my writing skills and inward opinions might come in handy, to give myself an opportunity to look at myself from another's perspective. It creates relationships with oneself if you really think about it. Who you are has almost everything to do with the people around you. They reflect, sometimes, what you don't want to see about yourself, and often the things about yourself that are the best attributes of you. Like attracts like... and what we need.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There's a reason I am a draw for the people in my life. Most of the time I discredit it because I don't think I'm worthy, but I'm really taking this time to figure out what about myself is worthy. Why the people in my life love me so much and how I could ever deserve it.

Being back in Florida is amazing, and crazy scary because the bottom has to drop out at some point, right? Self-sabotage. I'm really good at that. I don't want to be good at it anymore. I want to be good at succeeding. 

So, here's where it starts. Right here, right now. Turning my frown upside down and reveling in the life I get to lead, even with all this anxiety and stress because I won't let these feelings take over me. 



Whew, that was some weird shit. Flowed out of me and shit. lol! TIme to go workout...


Something's gotta give

I don't know what's up with me.  I'm all discombobulated.  I can't wait to get back on medication so I can actually think in a way that is more comfortable to me.  In the meantime... I have got to do something different.  Anything different.

I'm going to Orlando today with a friend.  He's going to get a computer.  I'm not sure if for personal use or business but it'll be nice to get out of town and hang out with an old friend.

Our chemistry is interesting.  He's married now since I last saw him but he's the closest thing I have to a male best friend.  We've known each other a long time.  Have even slept together.  When I came into town for a friend's wedding a few years ago, I spent an evening and the next day with him and it was the most fun I had had in a while.  He's so easy to be with.  I'm looking forward to today.

I've been up since sometime after 4:30 this morning and it's now 7:50.  We're heading out of town sometime around 9 or 9:30.  I've been smoking and playing MahJong on my phone.  I deleted all social media on my phone again purely out of discontentment in my own life.  I keep doing it to myself because I recognize my obsession with needing to know about other people's lives and comparing my life to theirs.  And it's completely unconscious.  I don't realize it until I'm already depressed about my life, angry and frustrated that I'm not where I want to be.

So yeah.  There's all that mess.  How you like my blogged out stoner ramblings? 



Declaration: Contentment.

I've arrived.  I'm here.  I'm where I've been desperate to get to for at least the last 3 years.

I've been running around (in my head mostly), feeling the need to be doing something.  I'm so used to being so busy that I didn't have time for anything else but I said "yes" anyway.  It's what I do.  All that running around was for a purpose, to me anyway.  I've been running frantic just so I can get where I want to go: home.

I've been in Florida for 3 weeks now and I'm finding it hard to just sit back and chill.  I mean, I've been hella lazy, [My days off, you can mostly find me in my underwear in bed.] and I've done things [My two oldest sisters came into town the day before my birthday to have lunch with me for my birthday.] but I've been arguing with myself in my head that I should be doing something.  I should be looking for the "what's the next step?!" but there isn't one.

I'm finally where I want to be, and for the time being, I'm choosing complacency.  I feel like everyone says you shouldn't be complacent.  "You have to be striving for the next thing," they say.  Yeah... no.  I'm staying put for a minute.  I've reached a HUGE milestone for myself so I'm just gonna work on the decor for a while. 

I'll wait til I get bored and I'm not there yet.

WCW #1

With a New Year, and it happening to fall precisely on Wednesday, I think I want to start blogging things that promote something positive in the world.

And not to the mention the fact that I am missing Social Media like crazy (I'm a junkie, I tell ya!), I need to do something that kind of has a Social Media-esque flavor to it.

So, I bring you Women Crush Wednesday!!

And to start the very first edition of this, I want to showcase two awesome ladies!!

First, let me Introduce Beyoncé, as if anyone hasn't heard of this woman.

To me, I think she is one Class Act!  She's is hella talented, has a body and a face to die for, is married to Jigga Man himself, and honestly seems like one of the most genuine, good-hearted people around.  She does her thing, is true to herself, and seems to have just a good heart for people and wanting to leave something positive in this world.  She doesn't stray from showcasing her true, authentic self, something that I think is lacking in society these days.  Not enough people who promote true authenticity.


Just freaking classy, I tell ya!

Next, Khloe Kardashian.

I freaking love this woman.  I'm bummed it didn't work out with Lamar, but she gave it a solid 4 years and if that man could have gotten his shit together, they'd still be together, I bet!

Anyway, I wish her all the best in the future and I look forward to seeing what she produces.



Anyway, Off I go!!  Time to get ready for work!



Just playing around with my website I had a mild internal freakout that was dangerously close to boiling over.

I changed the template and thought I lost everything but all my content to unlinked and was waiting for me to relink on the new template.

Further proof that SquareSpace is the BEST SPACE!!! I'm so happy I found this produce!!! If I hadn't found SquareSpace, I wouldn't have my own website right now.

This place is so easy to put together and so much fun!!! I have no personal expierience with building a website from the ground up, and to be honest, I don't have the time. When a place like this can exist for me to be able to put together my own beautiful website without having to know how to code things (which I know absolutely NOTHING about), why would I ever want to learn!!

So grateful to SquareSpace. Thank you for existing so my dream of Internet Domain Ownership can be a beautiful cyber-reality!


I've decided that I need to take a break from all social media.  I've already pretty much separated myself from Twitter, mostly cold-turkey and without saying anything, but I think I need to do it to the rest of my social media accounts.  And I've decided I need to do it for a full year.

So, for the year 2014, I will only be found here, really.  I'll be posting things here and there on Suicide Girls because I am trying to become an SG and dabble more in modeling but I also want share my thoughts more cohesively and collectively.

What I'm really doing is cutting out the crap of me comparing myself to everyone else.  What it is is I'm way too stuck on what other people are doing instead of doing my own things.  I compare myself and my life to what other people are producing, and whether it's true or not, I feel completely unproductive in life because I feel like I'm just not doing enough because, "see, they're doing all that over there."

It's quite childish and it kills my own happiness.  So anyway, I'll be posting here for the time being.  I'll try and blog daily, but if you've been following me for a while now, you know how well that usually goes.  But if I stick to this whole "no social media 2014" thing, then I'll need to share my shit somewhere.

And maybe I'll dabble in sharing about products I like or something?  Who knows.  The way things develop internally and externally typically develop on their own without much effort on my part... although blogging is definitely going to take some effort, but it's all a part of a plan I have to just reorganize my life the way I want it.

I want to share things that actually matter, not only to me, but to other people.  I really do have an opinion about everything, I just haven't been participating in things that would really be worth sharing my opinion about.  I had turned Twitter into a place that I just rant and share things out of frustration... or the sheer fact that I'm stoned and don't have anyone to talk to.  I need to find more creative outlets to express myself and blogging might be the way I do it... among other things.

This year is going to be dedicated to creating the life I want for myself... and just creating.  My body will be changing.  My appearance will probably be changing.  I'm hoping my career will change finally.  The way I live my life will change.  And I want to document all of it.

So, with the New Year also comes a new school semester.  This time, I'll be on campus doing some more catch-up on my degree, along with taking some fun, creative classes.  This semester?  English and Jewelry Making.  I think with every academic class I take I might take an art class as well.  I want to have a very well-rounded education, since I am the one in charge of it.  Back in the day, well over a century ago, women used to be cultured.  Their education centered around becoming cultured.  Women used to read, paint, draw, play instruments, sing, dance, at least in higher society.  I think I want to get back to that.

This blog will chronicle my journey into becoming a cultured and well-educated lady.  So watch out!

I uploaded some modeling shots that came out of a photoshoot I did with a photographer in Orlando before flying back here to Colorado in November.  Check them out here if you'd like.



Day After

Doing laundry at my mom's, watching The Patriot and babysitting my little brother. I have this intense desire to download social media apps on my phone to appease my boredom, but I deleted them on purpose.

I keep teetering back and forth with deleting social media altogether but I love the possibility if what it can really provide and at the same time, I have a weakness that allows me to waste a ton of time, and therefore a large portion of my life and free time NOT focusing on what I want to focus on... Transforming myself.

So blogging may or may not take the place of random thoughts that hit my Twitter feed and, instead, more thought out and cohesive shares here. More well-rounded, for sure.

I've been thinking a lot in the past few months about where I want to be when my lease is up at my apartment and beyond that. I'm keeping my plans flexible as any opportunity can come up and I don't want to be stuck in any sort of plan-of-action. I have a feeling Pueblo is going to be a place I stay longer than I would like but because I have some things I need to work on myself, for myself.

2014 will mean the fruition of what I want for my life: a better, more sound mind, body and soul. I want to be in a place where getting pregnant is an option since I want to be a mom soon. If that means a mate, sweet. If not, I want to be able to get myself ready for single-motherhood. I want to be a mom more than I want to be a wife. But this time is also going to mean getting ready to be the mother AND wife I want to be and with that comes domesticity skills. I need to be cleaner, more organized and my cooking skills need to be on-point. So, cooking my meals, repairing clothing and learning to make things with my hands. Stuff that moms and wives know how to do, or should, in my opinion.

Anyway, that's all for now. Time to finish this movie and my laundry. I should probably bathe both my dogs before I go home since I don't really have the room in my bathroom. Think I'll stop by BB&B up here to get some things with my discount and giftcards I got for Christmas.

I'm excited for the months to come! New year, new me, new semester at school.




It's been a while since I've posted here.  I want to bring that back.

Funny.  I say that all the time when I have a blog but really.  With all the changes that have happened in my life, I think blogging is best.

Still living in Pueblo by myself.  Things are getting better.  I have a really good job with a great boss.  I don't get paid much and it is in retail but I work with good people and I overall have a really good job.  I enjoy it.

I'm settling in quite nicely in my apartment.  Still have boxes all over the place and I hate that but it's working out well.

I'm at my mom's house for Christmas.  I really don't want to be here but I'm really happy I'm here at the same time.  I'm grateful for my parents and I'm lucky I get to spend it with at least one of them.

Anyway, I'm excited to get home.  Mom got me a Crock Pot and coffee grinder.  I have plans to make casseroles and finally use my french press.  Hibernation-status in Purgatory, engage!

But maybe not.  I'm thinking now is the time to really work on me.  Sound mind, body and soul.  I have work to do.


Ain't No Sky Like A Colorado Sky

Pictures from my little day trip to Colorado Springs a couple weeks ago. 

Then a little pedicure picture. That pedicure was one of the best in my life. The lady took forever (good thing I wasn't in any hurry) and I walked out of there like a new woman. 


In other news, I'm sitting here on the couch/chair in the den of my soon-to-be old house.  I'm moving into my own apartment next Friday and I couldn't be happier!  I'm excited as eff!! 

Geez, a lot has happened since I last blogged.  I need to blog more often.

So, anyway, back to what I was saying...  I'm moving into my own GHETTOOOO apartment next Friday and I'm so happy!!!  I need to be living on my own.

A lot has been going on in my head about it too.  A lot of people don't seem to get why I'm so overwhelmed by it and are just like, "well, that's life. Nothing ever stays the same."  And trust me.  No one on this planet knows that better than I but when you're faced with the reality that is your life and it is completely out-of-your-mind different than you could ever have dreamt, it can take something to get used to.  And it's not the "what" that is happening really, it's the "how fucking different" it is from what my life was just 4 months prior.

And really, the fact that I left a shitty situation (bully brother) living with my mom.  Living with her really isn't so bad.  She's not like regular moms.  Living with her wasn't like what my friends always say about living with their parents.  She was like a roommate, only I didn't pay rent and she cooked every day.  She did took advantage of the fact that her adult daughter was living at home, and why wouldn't she?  

 At the time, it pissed me off.  I was always pseudo-enraged when she would pawn off my little brother on me to watch while she went out and did whatever she needed to do (usually work related), and honestly hardly ever came home whenever she said she would (annoying!), but I had it made.

And now, here I am, almost 30 and experiencing what it's like to leave home... again. 

It's surreal.  I never thought I would be here again.  There are times where I want to kick myself in the ass for taking so long to get my shit together, and, quite honestly, part of me feels like I shouldn't be doing it this way.  That at this point in my life, I should be looking at buying a home and only further establishing myself, but I'm not there yet.  And it's ok. 

What is the real blessing is that I'm learning to stand on my own again.  Living with my mom reminding me of some things, mostly of how I want to live my life.  The way my mom lives, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.  I just don't want to live like that.  I see myself living in luxury of sorts.  I want a nice house.  I want nice things.  I want to shop all the time. 

And I'm taking that direction. 

And here's another thing... I'm slightly struggling with the idea of taking on this Camgirl game to the next level, and seeing where it takes me.  I don't know why I find it such a struggle to just go with it, but because of the nature of the business and the direction I can see myself taking (possibly full-on pornographic), I feel the need to hesitate. 

I'm a Christian, and although porn to me is a natural thing, I'm not sure how the choices I make now are going to affect my future.  

And, in the other hand, then there's the Landmark Graduate in me that says that my past has no bearing on my present and future self, but the reality of the situation is that it might.   I don't know how long I'll be in this game.  I don't know how long I'll be interested.  I don't know how far it's going to go.  And at the end of it all, what do I want to do with my life? 

I can see myself living a vanilla life and being rather successful but there's something about the fame/recognition and the possible loads of money I could make that draws me to it.  I have a voice.  I have an opinion.  I want to be recognized.  And even if it's originally from a sexual perspective, what I'm finding out is that's not what keeps the attention. 

From my short time on MFC and the other places where I get attention, what keeps peoples' interest in me is my perspective and attitude.  And that's what I ultimately want.  All I ever want is to be able to contribute in some positive aspect to anyone, really.  I've been known to say or think things that make others think about things, and isn't that what life is all about?  To positively influence others to think for themselves?  At least that's what it's all about for me. 

So I'm on the brink of saying "fuck it" and throw caution to the wind.  I'm on the brink because there's a huge part of me that's saying "stay in control" and once I let go and just go with the flow of it all, I won't have a say in what others think of me.

Not like I ever did before, but because of such a small audience I do have (and it's a freaking awesome audience, mind you. I love each and every one of you who stay interested in the goings-on of me and continue to encourage me), I do have some control. 

I guess all I can ever really do anyway is just do me and not worry about what happens. 

I don't know.  Maybe I'm too much of a thinker. 

Introvert out! 

Muchos besos! 


P.S. I love my body, and the more into nudity I get, the more I love it. Wanna see my boobs? Come find me on MFC. 


Feeling Pretty

I'm at Sonic right now. Gonna chow down on Happy Hour corn dogs and an iced tea.

I'm feeling pretty and slightly rebellious. I'm running errands in a white dress with no bra. I kind of like it!

I like showing off to myself mostly.


Welcome to my home...

This is where I sleep. It's tiny. I feel like a fresh 23 year old, just moved to Gainesville and starting all over, only I'm 29, going on 30, and it's in southern Colorado and not north central Florida.

Man, I miss that time of my life! And with how things are going here currently, this might be another one of "that." Meaning, a time of personal growth and development. I grew so much as a person during that time, really found out a lot about myself, and I took so many adventures!! I can't wait for more of THAT!

Other things I'm looking forward to? A bed. I'm currently sleeping on an air mattress. This really is starting over from scratch.



Stoner Thoughts

I'm sitting in my friend's apartment while he's in the shower, getting ready for the evening. I came over after work to hang out, smoke weed, and watch Star Trek: TNG. (Nerdtime!!) He invited me to some game night, at I think a bar, and apparently playing games I've never heard of, which is fun. And my stoner thoughts...

I lost my train of thought. Out to dinner now with my friend and his chick friends... I'll give a commentary about it later... Meaning the next paragraph...

Last night was soooo much fun!! We ended up going to his friend's house and playing board games. Apparently, I was a a hit. My friend said he was quite impressed with how I hit it off with everyone. What's funny is as dinner, walking up to the restaurant where his friends were standing, I knew this wasn't going to be very easy. If these girls were going to be interested in getting to know me, I was going to have to work at it. And it went off smoothly! During the conversation at dinner, I happened to pay attention to something one of the girls had said in one of the first conversations we had when we sat down and I could see the spark in her eye. She looked at me was struck by how much I pay attention. That was such a cool thing to witness.

Anyway, I was invited back for game night whenever I want so that was really cool. We laughed a lot and I won every game we played, games I had never heard of and the last game I tied for 1st.

Making friends isn't the hard, I just needed the right opportunity. One of the girls I could see myself really becoming friends with. I hope we hang out again. She's cool people.



It's finally time.

So, I'm sitting in my new room on my Mom's air mattress she left here because I don't have a bed. My roommate just got back into Colorado from Afghanistan today and I'm finally sleeping in my new room.

I've been living in this house by myself with only my animals as company, and, until recently, the false sense of human interaction that the internet/social media provides. And now, I'll have a roommate.  I haven't seen him since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1 came out.  In fact, that's when I met him for the first time in person.

He's a cool guy.  We know each other from way back on SG but this'll be the first time we'll spend so much time together.  Thinking about it, sometimes I do get a little weird about it.  But now I'm starting to get excited because I don't really associate with anyone from Pueblo.  I mean, I do have my one new friend I met off a dating website (we agreed to be just friends since he is the first person outside of work I've met) but there's no one I really spend time with on a regular basis, besides my coworkers.  It'll really be nice to have someone to talk to during the day, or even just hear someone else in the house.

I mean, I have loved living alone, and I know I'll love living alone again when the time comes, but I for right now, I would like someone to be around every once in awhile.  He works full-time, and now that he's back from Afghanistan, he's going to spend some time with his parents and kids up north of Denver, so I'll be alone again in the house, but I am kind of excited to have a roommate.  And I'm kind of excited that I moved into another room in the house.  Down here, It feels more my style.  The upstairs I don't think is suited to me really.  At least down here, I have a completely empty room to furnish and I have the opportunity to get my own bed, which I'm excited about.  Sleeping in someone else's bed for a lengthy amount of time is kind of weird, if you think about it.  Just the prospect of a new bed makes me giddy.

Anyway, my whole point of wanting to write this blog was because of the picture.  Back to what I was saying, I'm sitting on the air mattress, smoking a bowl (sshhh my roommate told me not to smoke in the house while he was out of town) and looking at myself in mirror.  The thing I notice most are the rolls.  The way my fat skin hangs and droops.  I'm stretching my toes and rotating my ankles, while watching in the mirror, and really feeling the stretch.  I make my ankle pop in a completely new way and it's startling but feels good. 

And the thing I'm realizing is how little muscle I actually have under all the fat. 

There was a while there that I had pretty good muscle tone.  In high school, I was still chunky, but I was active.  I was in marching band and the swim team.  I walked everywhere.  Years prior, when I was living in Gainesville, I used to workout with my roommate who was a health nut.  We got so into it, we did 2-a-days for a solid 2 weeks.  I was a member of a gym that I couldn't get enough of.  I was starting to really get addicted to working out and getting in shape.

And I want that again.  I want to know muscles are developing.  I want to collapse on an exercise mat, exhausted, shaking and dripping with sweat.  I miss that feeling.  And I miss seeing muscles flexing.  I have been chunky most of my life (before middle school, I used to be really skinny, fit, and ate like a champ), and I don't really care about the fat going anywhere, but what I really want to see is muscle tone.  And, for me, I naturally and effortlessly drop weight when I start working out... at least that's how it used to be.  But really, losing weight is not the point.  Getting fit and healthy is. 

Game on.  I've been waiting for this moment to finally declare what my game is. 

I have so much more to talk about, but I have to go to sleep.  Workies in the morn! 



P.S. Take a good, long, hard look because this body will never look the same.  I'll keep you up-to-date with the progress. <3



I'm looking through old pictures for work, trying to find one to bring in tomorrow.  Why, you might ask?

Well, the company I work for takes safety very seriously.  One of the head dudes from our corporate office used to work for a big retailer in the US.  Well, one day when he was working, he was witness to an accident that involved an elderly man, who was hit in the head by some big piece of merchandise and has suffered permanent brain damage because of it.  That, coupled with the fact that we use ladders throughout the store on a regular basis to pull and load topstock on the sales floor, they make like to really highlight safety. 

And that brings us back to the pictures. 

So, as kind of a fun and more personal way to keep everyone thinking about safety, we have a safety board above the stairs as we walk down to the sales floor of pictures of friends, family or whoever we care for to represent who we stay safe for.

So I chose a picture of my sister and I when we were little, after (possibly before, I'm not sure but most likely after) our Catholic baptism.

I was trying to find one of her and my dad or the three of us, but I don't have that picture, my dad does. 

Anyway, what really brought a huge "whoa" is the picture of my grandma and grandpa, in their Gator shirts.  This was so fun for me to find!  My first thought was, "Damn, I KNEW Orange and Blue flowed through these veins!" 

My grandma used to work for the university and is now the only living member left of her original department.  She got honored a few years ago, I forget what it was for though.  Anyway, she still gets season tickets to the football games and my sister and I always had first dibs on the tickets.  I can't wait to go back and spend more time with her.  My grandfather died when I was 15.  He was a good man and I'm sad I didn't get the opportunity to know him as an adult.  They are the reason I even moved to Florida to begin with.

Side-note: My dad is an only child.  When I was 12, right after 6th grade ended, my dad decided to move down to Florida where his parents are, to be closer to them in the event anything happened.  Thank God we did.  I got to know my grandfather better.

Middle school in Florida was awesome.  I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had just stayed there and went to high school instead of moving back to Colorado.  I probably would have been more stable and I can definitely tell you, my life would be completely different from what it looks like now.  But either way, I'm glad things happened the way they did.  If they didn't, I wouldn't be where I am right now, with the perspective that I have.  Or I could have and maybe life would've been better...?  We'll never know.

The lives I had in both places were so different.  And, really, I really sometimes do wish I knew how it would've really turned out had I never come back to Colorado and just stayed with my dad. 

Either way, I should get to bed.  I have work in the morning.




Fun Find!

So, while snooping the internet a bit, checking my Model Mayhem  messages and whatnot, I got curious about a photographer I met and shot with in April when he was in town.

He contacted me because he had this idea of a personal photography project, shot in film.  He wanted to shoot hispanic women and tell their story.

I met him in person first at Starbucks and we hit it off!  We had so much to talk about and it was really fun to talk to a photographer, get to know him as a person, and really feel like I made a new friend.  I've talked to him here and there since and haven't heard much about what was coming of the pictures but since I found one on his site, I thought I'd post it here.

It was really fun!  The story behind what happened during and after we shot will forever be memorable, and that's where it will stay.

Anyway, time to get ready for work.  I'll be blogging a lot more in the coming days, for sure!




April 2013. Denver, CO.

April 2013. Denver, CO.

Saturday Selfies

I'm spending the day in the house, attempting to get everything done I want to get done.

Ironically, probably the most productive thing I did was masturbate and record it. I'll be selling it.

It was fun to make! I really like watching myself and I think others might too.

I do have to admit, I have a pretty pussy. To be completely honest, I don't like the skin around my inner thighs, but my clit, inner labia and mouth of my vagina are pretty and make me want to touch it. *shrug*

I'm starting to really appreciate the body I have and giving anyone who wants to appreciate it with me the opportunity to do so.

Once I do a quick and simple editing job on the video, I'll post more info.

And happy Saturday!
Aimee xoxo